The last time I went before John of God I asked “what is the next step for me and my work?” When I returned to my room after my “spiritual surgery” I fell into an altered state and began to receive a download about exploring the dreams state. I grabbed my journal and wrote this:
Explore the dream world with a group, a “Dream Team,” using lucid dreaming and out of body experiences to explore other dimensions, connect with Divine Wisdom and open a channel of healing and guidance for yourselves and humanity.
I closed my journal and fell into a dream:
I was trying to return to my childhood home. A huge bear blocked the entrance to our street. I tried to take another road but two more bears appeared coming toward me. I lay down and pretended to be asleep hoping they would leave me alone but instead they lay down sandwiching me between them. I lay there in a panic wondering how I was going to escape. Suddenly I realized I was dreaming willed myself away from the bears tried to find another way home. I ended up and a party and became lost in the dream.
I was awoken by a flickering light in my room. I sat up and saw that the light in my bathroom was flickering on and off. This freaked me out because I knew I’d turned it off. I got up to check the switch. I flicked it up. The light came on. I flicked it down. It went dark. After a couple of seconds it started flickering again. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. There was a presence in the room. It was as though the energy of the bears had followed me from my dream. I tested the switch several more times… same thing, a long pause in darkness and just as I would start to relax the flickering would start as if it were saying, “We’re still here.”
I began to feel claustrophobic so I went outside and lay on the grass in front of my room gazing up at the full moon. I could still see the flicker light out of the corner of my eye, yet the night was peaceful and calm, comforting. Again I fell into an altered state. It felt like I was being hypnotized by the moon. The night, the moon, the flickering lights, and the bears from my dream all seemed to be trying to break through some unconscious barrier I had around myself.
I wanted to get up and move but I was paralyzed, captivated by the glowing radiance of the moon. It felt good, wonderful, in fact, but overwhelming. I felt like I was losing myself. I wanted to escape. “This is your lack of faith.” The moon said. I heard the words clearly in my mind. “You want to open to your power, experience the depth of your being, your Greater Self, but you’re afraid because it means letting go of so much. Letting go of all the things you think keep you safe… all your judgments of the world and your resistance to life. Don’t be afraid of your dreams. The answers you seek are waiting there. See the big picture. This is part of your path… one of the gifts that is yours to share…”
I was shaken back to “reality?” by a mosquito buzzing in my ear. As I walked back to my room the outside light began to flicker then stopped as I closed the door behind me. I could feel a palpable conscious presence all around me. (Even as I write this, I’m getting a similar feeling… my ears are starting to ring, the same humming vibration that signals an out of body experience.)
I made sure all the lights were switched off. They were, yet the bathroom light continued to strobe on and off. I put on my sleep mask, curled up on the bed and pulled the sheet over my head. Even with the mask on and the sheet over my head I could sense the flickering strobe from the bathroom as I fell once again into an altered, half conscious dream state and experienced a kind of “life review.”
Out of My Body: I remembered being forced out of my body when I was six years old, by my father’s sexual abuse. I floated around for a long time in kind of a dream state, then the front door slammed and I was pulled back into my body. I was standing in the front hallway wearing just my swimming trunks. My Mom was taking my brother and sister and I swimming at a neighbor’s pool. I could feel the tough leathery soles of my bare feet against the cool brick in our front hallway. It usually took a whole summer of going barefoot for my feet to get that callused. The last thing I remembered it was winter, I was in the middle of first grade. I’d been wearing shoes everyday; my feet should have been soft and tender. I soon found out it was the end of summer vacation. I was about to start second grade. I’d been out of my body for six months. I had only vague memories of those lost months and no recollection at all of the sexual abuse. (The memories would return years later.)
Then I recalled lying down for an afternoon nap not long after that. I heard ringing in my ears that soon became a paralyzing vibration. I tried to call my mom but couldn’t speak. Suddenly I lifted off the bed, looked back and saw my body still lying there. This terrified me. I tried to get my mom to come wake me up. She couldn’t see or hear me. This happened a few more times but because it frightened me so much I soon discovered another a more pleasant way of being out of my body; lucid or conscious dreams.
I remembered how I used to love it when I would suddenly realize I was dreaming and could do what ever I wanted. I could fly, move through walls, talk with animals, swim with the dolphins and breathe underwater. I loved flying through the aisles of the supermarket smashing everything in sight, knocking all the bottles and cans off the shelves and pushing shopping carts into huge displays of pickles or juice and watching with delight and satisfaction as they shattered onto the floor. It was so liberating. I figured all kids did this in their dreams. Now I saw it was my Higher Self giving me a safe way to channel the rage generated by the abuse.
The light was still flickering as I got up to use the bathroom. When I returned to bed the life review continued as I was shown a synchronistic series of events that took place in my late twenties while living in NYC pursuing my acting career.
I remembered reading about Shirley MacLaine’s out of body experience in her book OUT ON A LIMB and realizing that this is what had happened to me when I was young. That very night as I started to drift into sleep, I heard the ringing in my ears and I lifted out of my body. I flew right through the ceiling and up and down Columbus Avenue. Next I remembered discovering Jane Roberts, THE SETH MATERIAL then reading SETH DREAMS AND PROJECTION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. I learned that Rick Stack, who had been an original member of Jane Robert’s ESP class, was living right down the street from me and was teaching a class on lucid dreams (LDs) and out of body experiences (OOBEs).
I signed up for the class and soon was having LDs and OOBEs almost every night, connecting with guides and consciously exploring my inner world. Inspired by my dreams I began painting and writing poetry. My creativity began to blossom and so did my career. I bought a video camera and started producing my own shows for Manhattan Cable TV. Through the show I got an agent and I began booking commercials. Rick Stack wrote a book; OUT-OF-BODY ADVENTURES in which he shared one of my experiences from his class (giving me the pseudonym, Carl). When his book was published he invited me to appear with him on a TV talk show in Boston discussing LDs and OOBEs.
Things were going great. Everything was going my way. Then my body rebelled. I woke up one morning and couldn’t put pressure on my right foot without feeling shooting pain. The doctors just kept prescribing painkillers that upset my stomach. When the fourth doctor scheduled a bone biopsy I took matters into my own hands. I was reading Shirley MacLaine’s latest book DANCING IN THE LIGHT, about her experience in New Mexico exploring past lives at The Light Institute with Chris Griscom. I cancelled my biopsy appointment and booked a series of session at The Light Institute. I had a hunch I might be able to find some answers there.
INTO THE PAST:
I spent four days at The Light Institute, experiencing 9 past lives. I felt myself die and leave my body 9 times. Each time I left the body I was saturated with unconditional love and acceptance. As I looked back over each lifetime, through the eyes of Higher Self, I saw there was a purpose in everything. Nothing is wasted. Every experience related in some way to my present life, expanding my awareness and giving me a deeper understanding of my true nature. I saw that all the pain we experience comes from the mistaken perception that we are separate from the universe, each other and from God. Pain and anxiety comes from the friction caused when we try to resist life, suppress our feelings and ignore our intuition and inner guidance. The pain and anxiety — in fact all our “triggers” — are designed to guide us back to ourselves, bring us into the present moment, into balance with the flow of life and our natural connection with Source, or “God the Good.”
INTO MY BODY: I left New Mexico with a whole new understanding of my world and myself. My foot began to feel better immediately although it took a year to heal completely. My foot refused to let me to fall back into unconsciousness. I had to learn to slow down and listen to my body which led me to meditation and yoga. I started meditating each day and connecting with my Higher Self. I got in touch with a deep well fear, anger and grief as my dreams began to reveal memories of the sexual abuse.
That night in Brazil I saw that my body would not let me move forward until I healed the trauma from the past, an amazing healing journey back into my body that is the basis of all the healing tools I use and share with my clients and students and continue to this day. I realized that night in Brazil that all my creative work/play: dancing, singing, writing performing, sharing my story as a way to heal myself and others has been an intricate in invaluable part of this journey. It all seemed to come into focus this past year with The Presence Process and now I’m being invited, encouraged to move back into the dream, lift the veil and access the power, creativity and guidance that is waiting there.
My research has also been filled with amazing synchronicity. Two of the main point that came through that night in Brazil were the power of doing dream work in community and that it not be about getting out of the body but about bringing Spirit and Divine energies and guidance back in. These are two important aspect of Dreaming The Soul Back Home– Shamanic dreaming for Healing and Becoming Whole by Robert Moss, one of the first books my research revealed. In fact, Robert Moss’ work seemed to compliment and embody much of the information that came through that night in Brazil. His books also explore the shamanic practice of working with power animals in dreams, the most powerful in many cultures being the bear. I knew I had to work with Robert Moss and three weeks ago a friend sent me an email about his workshop: Dreaming the Soul Back Home which I attended this past weekend. Synchronicity! I’ll be sharing about the powerful healing I had with my bear dream during the workshop in my next post.
Next I discovered The Tibetan Yogas of Dreams and Sleep by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. In it he explains the process of clearing old karma and not creating new by learning to Liberate Emotions: “The best response to negative emotion is to allow it to self-liberate by remaining in non-dual awareness, free of grasping and aversion… allowing the emotion to self-liberate as it arises… because we do not respond with grasping or aversion no seed of karma is created.” This is The Presence Process! I was beginning to see how harmonious this dream work was with all the work I’ve been doing. THE TIBETAN YOGAS OF DREAMS AND SLEEP shows how our dreams can prepare us for leaving the body at death and consciously moving into our “rainbow body.” This is what I experienced at The Light Institute. My dreams had already been an important tool for my grief work, helping clients connect with their departed loved ones, heal their grief and gain invaluable guidance.
The synchronicity continued three weeks ago when my plans to spend a weekend away at Lake Mendocino backfired and I ended up in Guerneville at the Russian river, 90 minutes away. I was resisting (and cursing) all the way until I stumbled upon The Center for Sacred Studies the home of the 13 Grandmothers; shamanic healers who came together in the 1990s to bring healing to the planet. It felt predestined. As I walked into the center my ears started to ring and tears filled my eyes. The whole place vibrated with love and power. Valerie, who felt like an old friend greeted me. I told her I was looking for a drum (part of Robert Moss’ shamanic dream work) as part of The Dream Team I was putting together. She said there was a drum circle planned there that very afternoon. I’d never participated in a drum circle before and it was a revelation. During the circle twenty of us created amazing spontaneous music to each of the four elements: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. When I left, instead of a drum I had a date to do my first dreaming workshop Dare to Dream there on August 10 & 11. SYNCHRONICITY!